Funny ha ha or funny peculiar?

"Hollywood"


Background

If he folds preflop, he will moan, groan, sigh loudly, swear, exclaim, lean over to tell his neighbor what he folded, or *something* in reaction to the board that is dealt.  Every time.

If he is going to fold postflop, he will spend a minimum of a full minute agonizing, complaining, "if you knew what I'm going to fold...", "I don't want to fold this", "I just know it's going to hit", or *something* before doing folding - or sometimes "fold" his cards while keeping them in front of him, so he can keep looking at them and prove that he ended up hitting (which is rare, of course, regardless of what he claims).  Every time.

Periodically I'll make a comment about the delayed fold.  Or someone else will.  Evidently the "clock" concept was added into the league rules just because of him, but I didn't realize it was there and no one has ever called Time on him. 

He had some kind of injury for which he now gets morphine... supplemented by Jack & Coke in a Big Gulp cup throughout the games.  I've never seen him limp or anything, so the combination clearly works for him.  OTOH, he doesn't slur, stumble, or show other signs of major intoxication, so I suspect it's habitual enough that he's inured to most of the effects.

He's generally an easy-going guy (maybe drug-induced, or maybe natural personality).  Nice enough.  Frequently wears his shirt from a local construction company (his? or one he worked/works for?) which includes bible verses and biblical references on it.

At last month's game, during a break, I heard him say in passing "... he Jewed me..." and I am not one to let such an expression pass without comment.  When he was done, I walked up to him, stood close enough to lean slightly/confidentially against him, and quietly told him that the expression is offensive to me.  He tells me (in normal volume) that no one has ever had a problem with it before.  I say that maybe others have had a problem but no one ever mentioned it to him before, but I'm mentioning it now.  It's disparaging to an entire race, and I find it offensive.  He responds that HE is Jewish and can say it if he wants.  He's a tall, blonde, blue-eyed, snub-nosed, christian-shirt-wearing, liar.  I calmly mention that he doesn't look Jewish and he replies, "Why, because I don't have a hooked nose?"  "Oh," I respond, "are you saying that *I* have a hooked nose?  Regardless, you're using an expression that can seriously offend people and I thought you should be aware of it."  And then I walked away, knowing there was just no point in discussing it further.


The Event

We're down to the last 5 people, and Hollywood is on my left.  Being his usual Hollywood self.  I'd been playing at the other table until the last hour, but most of the people at this table had been putting up with it all night and when combined with the tension of rising blinds and shrinking stacks and bubble-time, it was getting on some nerves.  The dealer is also this year's league director, and has already busted out (as has his wife) so is dealing only out of the goodness of his heart so I don't have to deal while I play.  Any delay in the game is keeping him from going home, and Hollywood is a guaranteed delay on every hand he hasn't folded preflop.  Even though I haven't been sitting with him as long, I don't suffer fools gladly so I catch up to the general annoyance level pretty quickly.

Finally the dealer/director mumbles toward his lap "it's your clock, people."  The player to his right, not hearing or not understanding, repeats "clock?" and the dealer lifts his head and announces, "Clock" and sets the timer, having chosen to interpret that as Time being called.  Hollywood grumbles a bit, wastes another 15 seconds, then folds.  The other player (not thinking things through) says he wasn't actually calling time on him.  The dealer, of course, knew that.  But simply says that he, as a non-player, isn't allowed to call time.  Only players can do that.

A few hands later, it folds to Hollywood on the flop again, and we wait again, and I finally get annoyed and call Time on him.  The dealer sets the timer and Hollywood mega-tilts.

I'm looking at my hands folded on the table in front of me, straight-faced, Sphinx-silent.  Hollywood starts by yelling at me that what I want doesn't matter.  The dealer/director says that I have a right to call time.  Hollywood yells at me that he can take as long as he wants and I need to shut up, how long he takes is none of my business.  The dealer says that it's a tournament and the blinds go up and it does matter.  Several more times of Hollywood yelling at me, me ignoring him, and the dealer/director responding, and Hollywood ignoring him.  Hollywood calls me some (mild) names (no, I don't remember what) and the dealer tells him there's no reason to be insulting.  Hollywood responds to the dealer that I have been insulting him.  I'm always making comments.  And I called him a Jew.

At no time do I think that anyone - looking at the two of us, or having been present 3 months earlier when I'd publicly berated another player during one of the monthly games for using the exact same expression - believes that had happened.  (The prior time, I was dealing the hand, and he'd directed his comment to me, so I didn't have the time or inclination to deal with that one more subtly - and that player apologized and that was the end of it.)  But in this case I finally lifted my head and looked at him and said, "I never called you a Jew." and then put my head back down and shut back up.

He ranted a raved a bit more, folded the hand, and continued to rant.  He started pushing every hand, making it clear (verbally) that he was doing it purely to punish me (?!?) and leaning aggressively toward me each time he did it.  (I was sitting between him and the dealer, so we were on the curve of the table and he was about 90 degrees to me.)  I was card dead, so couldn't take advantage of it, but didn't feel any need to be stupid either.  At one point the dealer breaks into one of the rants and says, "There's no reason to put her on tilt." and I say, without lifting my head, "It can't be done."  Meanwhile we've lost another player and it's down to four.  It's my bb, Hollywood is utg, and he pushes, leaning toward me and partially standing up to make it more menacing, saying belligerently, "Just because it's your big blind."  There's a fold, then the small blind (last year's director) calls and I fold.  Hollywood turns up I-don't-remember-what and PriorDirector grins at me and turns up Aces.

Hollywood loses.


Follow up

I watch the board until it's over and then look back down at my lap until Hollywood is gone.  The director mentions that he hadn't heard me call Hollywood any names and has no idea where that came from.  I tell of last month's confrontation.  There are nods of understanding.  The game goes on to the next exciting moment not long after...


"DrunkCop"

Background

He is, obviously, a cop.  And drinks pretty heavily.  It manifests itself in his being loud and stubborn.  He's generally nice enough, but he doesn't really know all the poker rules and I, as either the dealer or back-seat dealer, therefore find myself correcting him fairly often.  It wouldn't BE as often, but the moment I try to correct something he starts making a fuss and talking over the top of me and not ever actually hearing what I say, so he'll never stop making those same mistakes.  He's of the "Just tell me what I have to bet here and get on with it" school of problem-solving.

He's also a classic LAG.  In most of our tournaments, he's either out in the first hour, or builds up such a huge stack he can bully to his heart's content.  To give him credit, he's never one to whine over a bad beat or gloat when he gives one.  And unless I'm correcting some unacceptable play, he's a happy, friendly guy.

So he and I start at the same table, and we've each built up very healthy stacks, and a situation comes up where I bet into him on the flop and he says something about, "I guess I have to fold this" or something like that as he starts to lay his cards down, and the dealer starts to award me the pot, then he lifts his hand higher and says maybe he'll push after all.  Dealer isn't sure what to do and general agreement at the table is that no one is entirely sure whether he actually announced a fold or not and no one is sure of his exact words or motions.  She (dealer) asks me (I'm her backup since I know more of the rules and am tougher than she is).  DrunkCop says that he'll go with whatever decision I make and he doesn't have a hand and should probably just go ahead and fold, but it's up to me (he 100% doesn't have a hand here if he says he doesn't).  And I'm in a quandary.  I've got 77 and the board is A rag rag with a flush draw.  I know he doesn't have a made hand, but I would be happy to take it down now, but I'm probably going to win even if he pushes and I call, and I don't actually know what he said or did for sure, and I won't be unethical enough to lie about that.  But I REALLY wish I, as someone involved in the hand, wasn't being asked to make a ruling.  I really want her to call it a fold.  But she's deferred it to me and I'm stuck with it.  I finally tell him he may take any action here he wishes.  He chooses to push.  Damnit.  I'm odds-committed AND likely ahead, so I call of course and he's got Q8 with the flush draw.  60% to take it - worst possible non-pair hand he could have.  He catches his 8.  I lose t7700 on my 77, which is over half my stack.  I'm now just above table average and he's HUGE.

A few hands later I win a big pot off him when he bets the bottom trips of a double-paired board into my top-trips.

A few hands after that, the bet is t300 and he raises to t500 and our diffident dealer mumbles something and I speak up to tell him he has to make it t600 or more.  He's back to belligerent, won't-be-corrected, won't listen, just tell me what I have to put out there, howabout if I just push - is that okay?!?, etc. bull.  And he's mad at me, thinking I pick on him - ignoring the fact that other players are also trying to tell him what he's done and why it's not okay.

A few hands later I get moved to the other table.


Additional Background
A few months ago, the current director, in order to encourage people to show up on time so we could start on time, started offering a t500 chip to everyone who was there on time (6:00).  I'm always on time anyway, but this ONE time I'm running late because of that stupid chicken/lamb/ice-chest mess.  But I call one of the players to have him tell them I am coming, so they'll blind me off until I get there.  And he offers to buy me in so I can get the extra chip, and I agree and profusely thank him.  I have a vague recollection of it maybe happening for someone else the prior month, but I could be mistaken.  In any case, I walk in the door at a minute or two after the hour and no one is even sitting yet, so there wasn't any delay on my account.

The Event

So here we are, at the final table, and Hollywood has just busted out.  DrunkCop is now to my left, PriorDirector is next, then me.  Top 3 and in the money.  DrunkCop almost never gets to the final table, and though he came with a big stack, it's getting taken away from him in chunks, and the blinds are eating at him, and he's been drinking all night and he's starting to tilt a bit.

Hollywood has been gone all of a round or three (and they're really short rounds with only 3 players - two of whom are tight) when PriorDirector calls string-bet on DrunkCop (I'm not in the hand).  DrunkCop doesn't know what he's talking about (despite my having told him on other nights, or explained to other new players while he was at the table) and dealer/director tells him and DrunkCop goes into belligerent mode.  "It's a friendly game, why get so picky over stupid little rules?!?"  PriorDirector tells him that we're playing for money so it's not a friendly game and we have to follow rules.  DrunkCop says that the money is so small even for first it's hardly worth even talking about, and he's just here to have fun, and it's stupid to enforce these petty little rules.  PriorDirector and dealer/director both tell him that we have rules and we have to follow them.

DrunkCop, while NOT looking at me or mentioning my name, then says that if rules need to be followed then why did someone get the extra chip when they weren't here until 6:03?  (OMG, I can't believe he looked at his watch when I walked in, but evidently he did.)  I'm keeping my mouth shut.  He's right that I wasn't there on time, and that was the rule, and the dealer/director knows exactly what time I showed up and knows that I will neither lie nor argue with whatever he decides here.  The dealer/director says my money was paid on time and I was here before cards were in the air.  DrunkCop says that's not what the rules say and dealer/director says that actually the t500 chip thing isn't in the rules at all, it's just something he added to encourage people to show up on time.  String-betting, though, is clearly in the written rules and is a standard rule in any casino.

DrunkCop is still ranting about how "someone else" doesn't have to follow rules and can show up late, and it's a friendly game, and the money doesn't matter, etc. and starts pushing every hand because he's not having any fun any more.  I don't actually remember which of us took him out.  But when dealer/director handed him his envelope of 3rd place money, of course he had to give it back while reiterating that the money didn't matter to him.  Dealer/director tried to insist but DrunkCop threw the envelope down on the table and said to put it in the pot for the final game, and then stomped out the door.


Follow up

Dealer/director laughs that PriorDirector and I have quite a little system here, making our opponents tilt so that we can win.
I asked PriorDirector if he was going to blow up at me next, since he's the only one left.  He and dealer/director reassure me that they have no problem with me at all.

We're both card dead, and not playing overly aggressively.  This is, in its way, a friendly game, even if we do follow rules.

Finally I get ATo and raise and PriorDirector pushes and I call and he flips up KK.  Stacks are so close to even it's ridiculous.  Board is dealt and they're all middle cards.  Damn.  I shake his hand, dealer/director starts to push pot, and NoobPlayerWifeOfRegular says, "Wait... 6, 7, 8, 9, and she's got the T.  Isn't that a straight?"  We all stop.  Stare.  Count on our fingers, embarrassed as hell.  We (PriorDirector, dealer/director, and I) are the most experienced and reliable players in the room.  We all missed it.

I gave NoobPlayerWifeOfRegular a hell of a hug.